Have you ever had a conversation that changed everything? It might have happened at work or in your wider life. A few moments of talking can fork your life down a completely different path. I share my own story in my first book, How to Have Meaningful Conversations, when I was 17 years old and still living at home with my parents. It involved my Mum and her courage to confront me about my university degree choice. As a result of that short talk, I switched from studying architecture to psychology and the rest, as they say, is history.
This week is Addiction Awareness week (23 – 30 November) which is highlighting the power of conversation and how it can be the catalyst for recovery. I was moved to hear the story that Alastair Campbell (former director of communications for British prime minister, Tony Blair) shared about how a conversation with a psychiatrist in a hospital to which he’d been admitted after a psychotic breakdown changed everything (watch the video here.) Through a process of gentle questioning, Alastair said, “the penny dropped” and he realised he was addicted to alcohol. No amount of badgering by his wife, friends or colleagues had the same impact; it was a respectful, attuned and empathic conversation that shifted his self-awareness and that possibly saved his life.
The Taking Action on Awareness campaign, led by the Forward Trust, is inviting people to share their stories of life-changing conversations. As Neale Donald Walsch says, “Others see their possibility in the reality of you.”
Turning now to the leadership space, over the past few years, I’ve witnessed a quiet revolution in leadership: more and more organisations are beginning to recognise that how leaders converse matters just as much as what they decide. Increasingly, leaders are expected not to have all the answers, but to create the conditions for fresh thinking, collaboration and creativity to emerge.
The power of coaching conversations`
This shift is at the heart of my latest podcast episode with Paul Williamson (pictured), Group Head of Talent Development at ATG Entertainment and Regional Chair (Great Britain) at the Association for Coaching. Paul and I have worked together for three years, and I’ve learnt so much from him about what it really takes to build a coaching culture on the corporate pitch.
Together, we explore what it means for leaders to bring a coaching approach into their everyday conversations – and why doing so can transform teams, relationships and organisational culture. Below are some reflections based on our conversation and my practice as a chartered coaching psychologist.
Start with yourself: the inner work of a coaching leader
In the episode, we talk about why leaders need to go deeper into introspection. Coaching as a leader is not a technique you ‘bolt on’; it’s a way of showing up. It begins with understanding the impact you have on others and recognising how your inner landscape – your assumptions, anxieties, and habitual responses – shapes the outer environment.
This echoes one of the core ideas used in coaching training, captured by Timothy Gallwey, in his classic book, The Inner Game of Tennis (1986):
Performance = Potential – Interference
Much of that interference comes not from outside pressures but from the “opponent within one’s own head.” As one client said, “Most of my gremlins are internal.”
When leaders commit to this kind of inner work, their conversations shift. They lead with presence rather than pressure. The gradually develop the emotional maturity to deal with triggers and respond rather than react. One leader I worked with noticed, over time, that she was less drawn into gossip, drama and jumping on the emotional rollercoaster which would, in turn, send others into a tailspin. By cultivating the capacity to be present without going into kneejerk reactions, she was able to take on leading bigger and bigger teams. During the course of our coaching, I witnessed her not only deal more effectively with pressure but enjoy the experience of stepping up to shoulder greater responsibilities.
Letting go of assumptions and leading with curiosity
One of the most powerful pivots a leader can make is noticing the assumptions they’re holding – and then putting them aside.
As Paul says, curiosity is not a soft skill; it’s a strategic one.
In sessions I hold for leaders learning to become coaches, I invite people to recall moments when someone asked a question that opened up a new way of thinking for them. These questions – often simple, often unexpected – are catalytic. They move people from stuckness to possibility. They create ‘forward movement,’ one of the key principles of a coaching approach.
When leaders replace certainty with curiosity, conversations become spacious, real and energising. They can also open doors to new possibilities.
From expert to enabler: the evolving identity of a leader
Traditionally, leadership has been equated with expertise, answers and authority. But the identity of a leader is evolving.
As Jennifer Kidby puts it in the recently published book she edited (and for which Paul Williamson wrote a chapter, Coaching as a Leader (2025):
“Leadership has become less about giving the right answers and more about improving the quality of thinking in your organisation.”
This is the essence of leader as coach: shifting from being the expert who solves the problem to the enabler who grows the capability of others. The coaching spectrum – from directive to non-directive approaches – helps leaders consciously choose when to advise and when to step back and help others find their own solutions.
This is leadership that multiplies leadership.
Small changes, big impact: the practical moves
Coaching conversations don’t require grand gestures. In fact, it’s often the tiniest shifts that make the biggest difference.
In our discussion, Paul and I explore simple changes you can make straight away:
• Swap advice for a genuine question.
• Use paraphrasing or reflecting to show you’re listening, not re-loading.
• Create short moments of silence to let deeper thinking surface.
• Ask, “What’s the real challenge for you here?”
• Offer spaciousness instead of speed.
These everyday practices help people feel seen, heard and supported – hallmarks of a coaching culture.
Compassion when the stakes go up
One of the most profound shifts in bringing a coaching mindset into leadership is grounding conversations in compassion – not just for others, but also for ourselves.
When we’re under pressure, our reactive tendencies can hijack us. We speed up, talk over, push for solutions, or withdraw altogether. When faced with a high-stakes moment, some leaders overcook it, others avoid it and others have the tendency to cave in. None of these responses will leave us feeling that we gave our best or enabled others to do great work.
Paul and I talk about how leaders can develop the capacity to stay open and grounded when the stakes rise. Compassion creates psychological safety. It helps us resist reactivity. It invites people into a more human, less transactional form of dialogue. As the ‘co-active’ approach to coaching reminds us: when we see others as ‘creative, resourceful and whole’ we are most likely to have the most effective conversations.
When leaders embody this belief – not just intellectually, but in the micro-moments of a conversation – everything changes.
Leading from spaciousness, not stress
Another theme that runs through our podcast conversation is this idea of spaciousness: the capacity to slow down inside, even when things speed up outside.
When leaders cultivate spaciousness, they:
• access deeper inner resources
• step out of reactive behaviour
• hold steadier, more generative conversations
• have a positive impact across the whole organisation
This is how coaching builds culture—one conversation at a time.
Why coaching conversations matter now
In a world marked by complexity, rapid change and rising pressure, leadership can no longer rely on answers alone. Coaching conversations offer a way to lead that is relational, reflective and generative. They help people think better, feel safer, take ownership and expand their capacity.
Whether you manage two people or two thousand, every conversation is an opportunity to empower, connect and elevate.
As Ralph Nader famously said (although the exact source is unknown):
“The function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not followers.”
Coaching conversations do exactly that. And they might even be the catalyst that changes everything.
References
Gallwey T., (1986) The Inner Game of Tennis, Pan Macmillan
Kidby, J. (2025) Coaching as a Leader. Kogan Page Publishing
Rozenthuler, S. (2012) How to Have Meaningful Conversations. Watkins
