An earlier version of this article was published on FemaleFirst 9 April 2020
Photo credit: Clive Sherlock
Having a meaningful conversation can be challenging at the best of times. When we want to speak about something that matters â whether with a family member, colleague or friend â many of us withdraw rather than talk. We decide that itâs not the right time, we donât have the necessary skills or that the other person wonât listen. This article looks at how you can communicate effectively during the corona virus crisis â and come out stronger for it.
During the current lockdown when many of us are having to work from our kitchens, homeschool from our screens and live from day-to-day without knowing where the next paycheque is coming from, effective communication might seem even more out of reach.
The good news is that there are some simple things you can do that can make rather than break a conversation. My book, How to Have Meaningful Conversations outlines many practical suggestions. Here are five top tips â you might find that using even one of them makes a difference and puts you in a better space with someone:
1. Take a breath
Before reaching out to another person, take a few moments to ground yourself. Find a quiet spot where you wonât be observed and take a few deep breaths.
If you can, place your hands on your belly. As you breathe in, let your hands be pushed out as if they were placed on a balloon thatâs being blown up. As you breathe out, let your belly relax. If youâre sat down, uncross your legs and press your heels into the ground. Be aware of your breathing and any sensations in your body. Taking time to become âpresentâ will help you to manage any emotional reactions you have and to stay in your own balanced centre.
2. Find your opening
Before you talk, ask yourself: what is this conversation really about? Do I want to make a request, air a grievance or give an apology? If I had no fear about how the other person would react, what would I say? See whatâs true for you. Now find your opening â what will be the very first thing youâll say to the other person?
Your first words could be âIâd like us to take a few minutes to talk about something that really matters to me. Is that OK?â or âIâm curious to hear what you made of x as Iâve been struggling to make sense of it.â Even though you might feel a bit ridiculous, practise saying the words out loud. Youâll find the words easier to say if youâve already spoken them aloud to yourself.
3. Listen deeply
Listening is a much underrated and yet highly important skill. There are several things we can do to improve our active listening skills. Let the other person have their say before you launch in. Allow them to finish their sentence without interrupting them. Hold the intention that youâre not trying to fix anything or anyone as people will resist any attempt to be âdone to.â The more you tune into how the other person thinks and, more crucially, feels, the more receptive theyâll be to what you have to say.
To demonstrate that youâre listening, use the following phrases: âIt seems like youâre sayingâŚâ and âWhat Iâm hearing you say isâŚâ Reflecting back to the other person the essence of what theyâve said helps them to feel heard, which reduces hostility significantly.
Check your understanding by asking âDid I get you?â If you sense that thereâs still unfinished business that could scupper your relationship in the future, ask, âIs there more you want to say?â Often a listening ear will put out a fire before it really catches light.
4. Acknowledge feelings
One of the most powerful things you can do is to name whatâs so. For example, you might say, âThis is a really difficult situation for both of us and I can see youâre struggling too.â Communicating effectively during corona virus might call on you to show more empathy than at other times. Given how many people are struggling with tricky feelings such as overwhelm, anxiety and confusion, be sensitive to the emotions you pick up around you.
Including difficult feelings â your own or the other personâs â helps a conversation to keep going rather than derail into a stony silence or shouting match. If you feel disappointed, say so. If they feel frustrated, acknowledge this. When thereâs resentment hanging in the air, name this.
It often helps to notice whatâs not being said. Pay attention to the other personâs tone of voice, facial expression or body language. If someone tightens their jaw, this could mean that theyâre feeling angry even though they donât acknowledge it. Saying something like, âIt looks like this is really annoying youâ can help the dialogue to keep going.
5. Ask for what you need
Relationships fester when conflict remains unaddressed. Tension often arises out of unmet needs. If you want more of a hand around the house but donât express this, âtoxic leakageâ comes out in barbed comments or a cold shoulder. To communicate effectively during corona virus, it might help you to take a moment to check in with what you really want.
Remind yourself that youâre allowed to have needs. Take some time to check in with what you really want and ask for it. To make it more likely that someone will co-operate, try asking âWould you be willing toâŚ?â Think through what your response will be if you get a refusal. âThis really matters to me so I suggest we review the situation in a couple of dayâs timeâ is one way to keep the door open to another conversation.
Finally, remember that effective communication is a valuable life skill. One of the silver linings of these difficult times is that you might see more sharply whatâs important. Any small gain you make when you talk with someone means youâll be better able to deal with a similar situation in the future. Conversation is a real catalyst for creating positive change in your life.
