How do we have effective feedback conversations?

An effective feedback conversation between a couple of colleagues‘So much can happen in a single conversation’ a participant reflected at the Leading Systemic Dialogue programme I co-led last week. We were at the end of a full and lively two-days. We’d had some engaging dialogue including about some of the big issues of the day.

A conversation can make (or break) a relationship. It can spark a new idea. It can be the catalyst for change. This is particularly true when it comes to a feedback conversation.

The benefits of well-timed and carefully given feedback are huge. It energizes us, engages us and keeps our motivation running high. The damage caused by poorly-given feedback is also enormous. Someone recently told me the story of some critical feedback she’d received in a roughshod way seven years ago. The sting was still palpable, despite all the positive feedback she’d also been given over the years. She was left questioning her abilities as well as her resilience. How can we handle feedback conversations more effectively so that we get the benefits without the stumbling blocks?

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A new season of great conversations

This photo of a suspension footbridge leading straight ahead through a forest to a glowing dawn illustrates the theme of purpose-led leadership taking us to a better future.I trust this finds you well and thriving as the new season comes in.

There is a real sense of a ‘new term’ starting so I wish you every success with your own new directions.

Over recent years, my own leadership work has started to take a more defined shape. To help build a bridge to a better future for us all, I am working with leaders, teams and organisations in the following three ways:

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The value of robust relationships

This is an excerpt from Life-Enriching Relationships, Sarah Rozenthuler’s forthcoming book

Relationships are central to our work and to our lives. Without our connection to other people, we would have a sad, lonely and isolated existence. It is the warmth of the web we weave that keeps us buoyant and alive. Not only do we know this intuitively for ourselves, it is underwritten by research.

A significant study of success

In his 2012 book Triumphs of Experience, George E. Vaillant shares the findings of one of the longest longitudinal studies of human development ever undertaken. The Harvard Grant Study of Adult Development began in 1938 with a cohort of 268 men, whose lives have been tracked for over 75 years. Whilst this study does have its limitations as it included only white males, it does, nonetheless, give us a valuable window onto the dynamics of adult development. Having a homogenous group, who had the likelihood of a long life, means that the study has benefitted from a low attrition rate and a relatively high percentage making it to 90 years old (30%).

Way ahead of the curve of the current positive psychology movement, this study aimed to uncover what factors contributed to a successful life. The researchers followed the group as their lives unfolded in real time and collected a vast array of data, including personality types, drinking habits, quality of relationships and even the “hanging length of his scrotum.” The study began in an era when physical constitution and breeding were considered to be the strongest predictors of success.

What it takes to flourish

Having been involved in the study for 45 years, Vaillant developed his own definition or “Decathlon” of flourishing. This consists of 10 indicators or “events”, which could be objectively measured in the men who were between 65 and 80 years old. Four of these events were to do with having good relationships: with their partner, kids, friends and others who were not in their immediate family but whom they nurtured. Four events reflected the health of the men: low levels of psychological distress, enjoyment of work and leisure, being physically active and having good mental health. The other two events were being included in Who’s Who in America and earning an income in the study’s top quartile.

Having established his criteria for success, Vaillant scored each of the participants based on the data collected about them over the course of their lives. He tested statistically which of the wide range of variables and traits that the study had documented predicted a good life in later years. A clear pattern of results emerged.

Variables reflecting social class (for example, the level to which their mother or father was educated) had no bearing on success later in life. Neither did variables that reflected constitutional factors, such as having a strongly masculine physique. The variables that reflected the quality of the men’s relational lives, however, were very strong predictors of the Decathlon scores. This led Vaillant to conclude that the real “antecedent of flourishing” was the capacity for intimate, close and loving relationships.

The benefit of creating a “warm surround”

The value of “warm relationships” also shows up in the incomes earned by the men. The 58 men who scored most highly for warm relationships earned an average maximum income of $243,000 per year whereas the 31 men who scored the lowest earned an average maximum income of $102,000 per year. The 58 high scorers were also three times more likely to appear in Who’s Who. By contrast, there was no significant difference between the maximum earned incomes of the men with IQs of 110-115 and the incomes of the men with IQs of 150-plus.

What differentiated the most successful from the least successful men wasn’t so much the presence of one relationship, such as a lifelong marriage. Flourishing later in life was associated with a man’s capacity to value others, whether his wife, parents, siblings, children, friends or colleagues. Creating a “warm surround”, whether within your family of origin, within the family you create, at work or beyond your tribe is what matters.

Within the reach of us all

Vaillant concludes that his research provides robust evidence that “nurture trumps nature”. Even though the benefits of a happy and stable childhood for success later in life do come through in the study, our childhood doesn’t have to be “destiny or doom”. As adults, we develop. Our personalities evolve. Each of us has to grapple with growing up. Even more encouraging is that injecting a little more warmth into a relationship is something that is within the grasp of us all. It can be done with something as simple as a smile, the sharing of a joke or picking up the phone and making that call.

First published via LinkedIn 15 July 2014.